“F**k, I want to be sick…”

That’s what I thought…

It was supposed to be a reassuring scan, our second by Dr Z and our third since the positive result.

But the scan didn’t start that way.

I managed to leave work by 12 so I could get home to pick up E. Our second scan with Dr Z was due at 1pm and I had to be back at work by 3.30pm. I had a long day today and would be finishing by 8pm.

We told Dr Z about the reassurance scan we’d been to on the previous Saturday. I mentioned the size mentioned on the reassurance scan and the concerns about the smaller twin.

Dr Z zoned in on the smaller twin first. I heard her say a few things:  ‘blood in the sac’, ‘small foetus size for dates’ and ‘prominent vessels’. Then quiet. Nothing mentioned about the other twin- the bigger one. Dr Z continued to say not much and moved the internal scan within. 

I became worried. Felt sick. Felt the blood drain from me. Looked at E and Dr Z. Was she about to break some bad news? Was it all over? I tried to imagine how devastated E would be.

But then Dr Z moved the probe and saw the other twin. It looked bigger and I could see a heart beat. 🙌😅

Dr Z finally said something.

It was probably only 5 minutes but it felt like an hour. 

She said twin 1 was doing well, was approximately 16mm and mentioned seeing a head. Sadly twin 2 had no heart beat and had not likely grown any further- it was still 6w1d in size.

E burst out crying and I felt like I wanted to cry too but just gasped.

Dr Z decided that a scan by the Early Pregnancy Unit (EPU) the next day or so would be helpful as the hospital scanners are more detailed. She was convinced that E would carry this singleton to term.

We both left the hospital in shock. Happy and sad at the same time. We had lost a twin and had a singleton now. A singleton would be a lower risk pregnancy compared to twins. E was happy for the singleton but E still felt anxious about the twinges and was told to expect potential blood loss if the smaller foetus miscarried, although it could be reabsorbed instead.

It took me a few hours to settle down as my heart was racing and head felt foggy. I went back to work and tried to get on with the rest of my working day, but finished later than expected due to admin work. E said the twinges had continued, but there was no further smudging thankfully.

The next day E tried to contact the EPU to get an appointment that day but they said it wasn’t possible. (Generally patients are referred by a doctor a day or two before. Surely Dr Z should have known that!). 

E told me later that she spoke to a lovely and friendly midwife over the phone and has been booked in for a scan on Monday. Encouragingly the midwife said that E had got past two big milestones: 5 weeks and 8 weeks and once she got to 12 weeks, she would be in a safer zone.

A scan on Monday and then a couple more reassurance scans is what we’ll likely do! 

So we have just under 4 weeks to go. 

Feels like an eternity!

4 thoughts on ““F**k, I want to be sick…”

  1. Oh I’m so sorry to hear about Twin B. It is heartbreaking and must be so confusing as you want to feel excited for the baby you do have still thriving but it is enveloped by the sadness of the loss. I have followed a few bloggers who experienced this and I remember there being discussions of the second twin being a helper twin. Its role was to actually help Twin A succeed. I know it sounds weird but there is some thought it may be true and I know others have found some comfort in that. The 1st trimester is pretty much the lowest moving period of time ever. Hope you can both find some way to pass the time without too much stress.

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  2. I’m so sorry to hear that you had bad news about the second foetus.

    You’re so not alone in finding scans terrifying – the first trimester is a horribly anxious time if you’ve experienced a previous loss or have been on the fertility treadmill for as long as you have. (I used to breakdown when I had to get on the table at each scan) Nothing anyone can say will really diminish that when you’ve been through as much as you have so don’t beat yourself up if you find being positive difficult. That said, heartbeats are everything and seeing one repeatedly is good. I really hope these 4wks fly by for you and you’re safely into that second trimester before you know it.

    Also: with EPU you should explain that you are both experiencing significant anxiety and ask to be considered for open access – that way E can be scanned for reassurance if she feels anxious at any time during this first trimester. They take mental health seriously (or at least in my trust they do – hope yours is the same)).

    Wishing you all the best!

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    1. Thanks.

      I’ll mention Open Access to E and she can ask on Monday.

      If it’s not available then I’m happy to pay for further reassurance scans privately.

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