Protecting myself 

I’m currently at home by myself on a chilly Winter day watching a 14 year old programme about the pyramids on the National Geographic Channel. 

I’ve encouraged E to go and visit her sister and nephew. She had been umming and erring about going but was missing both of them. 

My reticence to see them has been because of our brother in law. He’s not done anything bad and is not a bad person, but he has been posting a lot of photos on Facebook and Path showing how happy they are. They are expecting their second baby and there life seems perfect. I’m just feeling irritated and sad about it all.

I’ve been very stoic and masculine about our infertility journey so far. It’s my way of coping but sometimes ‘something has to give’. I’m not angry at my brother in law just annoyed. This is why people block or unfriend people but that is quite an extreme move. 

E is upset but not surprised he is doing that. But why shouldn’t he- they have good news and want to share it. But his photos just feel like our noses are being rubbed in it. Like I said I believe he’s not doing it on purpose – he’s just not thinking about us.

Things have been brewing for a while. 

Unfortunately due to an anovulatory cycle out 3rd IVF cycle got delayed and cancelled. Now we’re in limbo again till next year but in my head I feel wrung out. 

We have friends who are going through the early stages of adoption and are happy. Each day is a step forward for them, whereas I feel we’ve gone backwards. I feel that in this fertility journey we’ve never been in control but with adoption you have some control. I feel that after the 4th attempt we should think about adoption again. E is unsure, but also feels wrung out.

And to add to the misery for me, I am currently not speaking to my sister after a big argument with her on October 31st fuelled by speaking about our infertility. My sister felt attacked and the evening ended very badly especially after spending the day helping her move house. She can’t handle the stress related to our infertility and refuses to talk about it. I wanted her emotional support and got nothing. 

A couple of weeks later I visited the fertility counsellor with E for the first time in a few years. I mentioned the situation with my sister. What she said made sense- I am expecting my sister to have empathy for a situation she doesn’t understand and never will. I need to stop talking about it with her because she will never give me the support I want. That is very sad but true. 

(My sister is a difficult person. Our relationship is fractious and often one sided. We are the legacy of a parent with schizophrenia. Our damaged lives are because our maternal grandfather swept this issue under the carpet. But that was what society did the the time and sadly it has left our sibling relationship in a poor state. (Our parents died 12+ years ago btw). She has never been in a relationship and I feel she doesn’t have the emotional intelligence to be in one. She will never understand our sadness. I need to move on regarding this issue but I can’t banish my sister from my life. I now know if I am to remain on good terms with my sister, the subject of infertility should never be mentioned).

So now I remain sat here in this chilly room. I need to put the central heating on. The pyramids programme has finished and I’ll go back to looking at the Auto Trader app in order to buy an approved used car next year. I’ve plumped for the BMW 1 Series.

There ends my emotional dump for now. I’m in two minds about blogging more. I’m sick to death about writing about misery. But when I’m happy with E, I don’t tend to blog – we’re just enjoying life! 

6 thoughts on “Protecting myself 

  1. I’m sorry you’re having a tough time right now. Don’t feel bad if you feel like you have to unfollow your brother-in-law. Even if it’s just for a little while. I’m sorry your sister can’t be there for you like you need her too. My two brothers try to be supportive but they don’t understand. It’s a lot to ask anyone to empathise, no matter how close. I hope that you’ll try not to take it too personally, though.

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  2. Sorry to hear about this. I can relate in a way. There are people I know who don’t understand at all… I unfollow them on Facebook (I don’t defriend them; why shouldn’t they be happy, as you said? I just don’t want to see it all the time.) and I don’t talk with them about a situation they can’t relate to. You have to empathise with them, in a way – just like I can’t understand certain experiences I’ve never had. Some try harder than others to understand, but I think it’s okay to know that they won’t understand the pain of things they’ve never had to deal with.

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      1. I guess my anxiety is that because we don’t have parents, grandparents or any extended family and my other half’s family find her difficult to deal with, despite her problems with infertility, I really can’t cut off ties with her.
        I’ll just resign myself to maintaining our difficult relationship.

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