After my post yesterday, E and I went to see the new docufilm ‘Amy’ about Amy Whitehouse.
It was a fascinating film about a fragile singer whose parents split up when she was young, who doted on her Dad, who in turn seemed useless and who ultimately got into crack and heroin by meeting the wrong guy at the wrong time.
Post film we chatted, but when E asked if I thought Amy Whitehouse was a genius, I said ‘No’.
I felt that if she had lived longer and matured and made some further classics, then possibly genius status could be bequeathed to her.
Well things went off after that.
E felt I was blocking her and purposely being obstructive and then things escalated. I proceeded to not talk to her on the drive back to her sister’s house in order to water their plants (as they were away )
I saw her crying and felt terrible.
I felt trapped in a corner. I felt E was picking a fight with me due to anxieties and worries. I hate when this happens.
I said to her that I felt I couldn’t cope with the stress of doing more than 4 IVF cycles as I could see how hard it had been on her and us. That was a shock for her and she went on the defensive. It felt like I was giving her an ultimatum, but she needed to know what I was thinking.
If things don’t work out, then we need to have a break and reconsider adoption, as I suspect we will be in the right frame of mind.
It’s a difficult situation. No-one knows the future.
The probability of getting pregnant naturally is quite low, so when things are stacked up against you, it’s difficult to imagine that you really have no control over the outcome. It’s chance at the end of the day.