Boiling over

After my post yesterday, E and I went to see the new docufilm ‘Amy’ about Amy Whitehouse.

It was a fascinating film about a fragile singer whose parents split up when she was young, who doted on her Dad, who in turn seemed useless and who ultimately got into crack and heroin by meeting the wrong guy at the wrong time.

Post film we chatted, but when E asked if I thought Amy Whitehouse was a genius, I said ‘No’.

I felt that if she had lived longer and matured and made some further classics, then possibly genius status could be bequeathed to her. 

Well things went off after that.

E felt I was blocking her and purposely being obstructive and then things escalated. I proceeded to not talk to her on the drive back to her sister’s house in order to water their plants (as they were away )

I saw her crying and felt terrible. 

I felt trapped in a corner. I felt E was picking a fight with me due to anxieties and worries. I hate when this happens.

We talked.

I said to her that I felt I couldn’t cope with the stress of doing more than 4 IVF cycles as I could see how hard it had been on her and us. That was a shock for her and she went on the defensive. It felt like I was giving her an ultimatum, but she needed to know what I was thinking.

If things don’t work out, then we need to have a break and reconsider adoption, as I suspect we will be in the right frame of mind.

It’s a difficult situation. No-one knows the future. 

The probability of getting pregnant naturally is quite low, so when things are stacked up against you, it’s difficult to imagine that you really have no control over the outcome. It’s chance at the end of the day.

6 thoughts on “Boiling over

  1. My husband and I have gone through 3 IVFs and suffer from Male Factor and recurrent pregnancy loss. Sometimes he says similar things like “after these embryos are gone, I dont know if we can keep going.” I take this as an ultimatum as u said, when really he is probably just wanting me to understand where he coming from. The financial, emotional, and physical stress def takes a toll! Breaks are needed, and we are one too right now. We continue to try at home although are chances of us conceiving at home are just 1% according to the doctors. Sounds like u are in the same boat with this unfortunately. Best wishes!

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  2. I totally understand. It’s really difficult. I’m sure your wife feels very upset and scared at the possibility of not having a baby so the idea of stopping is really difficult for her but at the same time that doesn’t diminish your fears and worries. Perhaps doing some sort of couples ‘therapy’ would be helpful, just to find a way to discuss the issues that you face so that you can come to a joint answer for what is best for you both. From what you say you still have two more tries, so hopefully one of them will be successful. Good luck.

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  3. It’s so hard. When my husband & I have similar eruptions it’s often something completely trivial which provokes it. Obviously I don’t know either of you, so I don’t mean to presume anything about what you think / how you feel. All I know is that when this happens to me, I feel like my husband is ignoring the elephant in the room (i.e. that I’m feeling insecure or unhappy about the treatment) and he is just carrying on as usual. On those occasions it makes me feel more lonely and withdrawn. All I wish is that he would ask the question that I want him to ask and he seems to be deliberately avoiding. Of course from his point of view he is not a mind reader and genuinely hasn’t picked up on the fact that I’m having a really bad time. We recently got to a point where we thought we were going to give up after 5 attempts at IVF and I felt so depressed. Deep down I don’t think I was ready to give up. We have talked about it and are making small steps towards considering another try (we aren’t 100% decided) but feeling like I have the option and chance makes me feel better. Clearly you guys care about each other and are talking which is so important. Keep talking and trying to communicate how you feel. Wishing you the best.

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    1. Thanks for sharing.
      That’s exactly what’s happening. But I just don’t feel happy about doing more cycles if the next two fail. I’m anxious about money and the stress of it all.
      Stopping, reviewing our situation and reconsidering adoption is an option, although even then, because we’re a mixed race couple, finding a child will be hard.

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  4. I’m sorry to hear about this. I hope you are able to have more conversations together and come to a decision that you are both happy with. ❤

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