To tell or not to tell?- that is the question!

Excuse the bad pun.

One of the big issues we’ve discussed already, (yup! E and I have thought about all eventualities!) is THE issue regarding all children born via donor sperm or eggs- do you tell the child the truth?

‘Err- YES!’- is probably your answer!

But, this is not as straightforward an answer as you may think. Because some new parents may actually say ‘No’.

In the last few days we have agreed on a sperm donor we liked and I was happy with.

I am convinced that letting the child know where they came from with age appropriate language is the right thing to do. There are books available to help broach the subject, so I won’t be completely swimming in the ocean.

As the non-genetic Dad (aka Social Dad as some donor kid blogs call it), I want the child to know where they came from and will try to be as open and honest as possible. There will be the difficult times- teens (and tweens?) where they will inevitably say:

‘Your not my father’

It’ll hurt, but most teens say this anyway. Teens rebel and say hurtful things!

From reading other blogs, I’ve come across some children of donors who were never told the truth and found out accidentally. Understandably these kids or adults feel quite embittered and angry.

Telling or not telling will be a very personal decision and no way is completely right or wrong!

I hope that once we start this donor fertility journey we meet other couples in our situation, especially as our fertility unit hosts donor conception groups. Meeting other men in my situation will be helpful!

I also hope to be more open with male friends when we start our fertility journey so I don’t feel as if I’m hiding away from people. I may be surprised that some male friends are more supportive than I expect, but it’s still a tricky topic to address in a world where you’re ability to fertilise an egg is assumed to be a natural and masculine process!

5 thoughts on “To tell or not to tell?- that is the question!

  1. I agree, this is a tough decision. It’s not as “easy” or “straightforward” as an adoption would be….but like Carolina647 said I vote just do what feels right to you guys…you may not know right away. I will say though that being open with friends/family about your journey will kind of “force” your decision to tell your child eventually though, or the “secret” will only be from them.

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      1. I think that’s your best bet. And like you said, maybe you’ll help other males who may be going through something similar open up and help them.

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  2. It’s a tough subject. I say do what feels right to you. That may sound useless right now but I think that all situations are different and you will eventually figure out what works for you guys. Best of luck!

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