Emotionally challenged

It seems an odd remark, but openly crying does not come easily to me nowadays.

When I was in my teens I cried a lot. I was horribly bullied at school from the ages on 12 to 18 years and I often cried at home, alone.

My home situation was not exactly great either. There was a big white elephant at home.

Schizophrenia.

My mum was an untreated schizophrenic most of her life. Not one of Hollywood-styled crazy and murderous types- she was loving towards me and my sis, just emotionally unpredictable.

Our home life was unpredictable. But as mum got older she became more emotionally unstable. This led to loud arguments at home. I used to cry a lot then.

Then in 2000, after being on powerful antipsychotics for over 6 months after a stint in a secure mental health facility on a Section 3, she developed a severe pneumonia and died…

I cried when I found her and at her funeral.

Then like a knife into my heart, three years later after successful stomach surgery for stomach cancer, my dad became very ill whilst on chemo and eventually died.

I couldn’t cry. I had to be strong for S- she was closer to dad.

Until I met E, I did what I do best when I need to cry- I lock it up.

But, I cried on the way back from work, by myself when I found out about my own infertility.

Then a couple of weeks back we finally decided to pay money and review the online profile of one of the sperm donors on Xytex.

$50 paid and we had access to his sweet but a little naive personal statement but we also had access to his adult and baby photos.

‘Wow. I’m so glad he’s good looking’- E suddenly said.

He was. A good looking, 25 yo. American man- our potential sperm donor… my sperm donor…my replacement? I felt a lump in my throat and a twinge of sadness. E immediately realised her faux pas- she’s good at that- very empathetic!

I didn’t full on cry but seeing that young man brought up some locked up emotions. We talked. It was a good thing to do! A week later, we attended donor counselling- that was good. And then yesterday, we got the good news about her tubes.

We are happy again. We know it might not be for long but there’s a chance going to be a dad one day- that would be amazing, I think if it happens, I will cry like a baby, whilst holding a baby.

I miss my parents. I wish they got to meet E, saw me become a doctor, was there for my sister but also was someone for me to turn to for support and a shoulder to cry on…

4 thoughts on “Emotionally challenged

  1. Im sorry about your parents, it must have been so hard going through all that at such a young age…

    From what i read, I’m assuming you also have difficulty receiving… Receiving gifts, receiving affection, receiving strength. Your love for your sister is beautiful… You don’t have to be the only strong one. I don’t know her but I’m willing to be she loves you just as much and would do all she can to make you happy… Even if its just wiping your tears and hugging you.

    Xo, aloha, Ella

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      1. It wasn’t a wild guess… I just identified a lot with what you wrote… Ive acknowledged, out loud and to others, that i have a hard time receiving.. Trying to change this… It feels good to be the strong one and to give, and the people we love should have the same chance πŸ˜‰

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      2. E knows what I’m like. I don’t make a big deal of celebrating things, but she makes an effort. My sis, S, who is younger has had a tougher time than me and our sibling relationship has been quite rocky.

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